Basics
It's never easy to console someone whose spouse has died,
but it can be especially challenging when the deceased is your parent. How
can you comfort your surviving parent while dealing with your own loss?
It may help you to remember that every person experiences grief differently,
and that losing a spouse isn't the same thing as losing a parent. You shouldn't
assume that you know exactly how your father feels. Try to be understanding
and patient. You can help him by:
- Attending to his physical needs
- Listening to him and encouraging him to talk about your mother
- Making sure he gets the care he needs
- Patiently allowing him to express his grief
- Remembering and acknowledging important dates and anniversaries
It's not always easy to do these things, however. And because you
have to deal with your own loss, you may be frustrated as you try to help
your father move on with his life. As part of his grieving, he may experience
depression, forgetfulness, disorganization, preoccupation with the loss and
a lack of interest or motivation in activities that he used to enjoy.
Or maybe you're having trouble letting go, and you resent the fact that you
father has given away your mother's clothes. In either case, tensions may
be driving you apart, at a time when support is most needed.
In addition
to support and time to mourn, both you and your surviving parent need plenty
of rest, nutritious meals and exercise. Try to make sure you both get these
things. Staying healthy will help your body handle the stress these emotions
can cause.
Key Tip 1
In time,
grief will diminish, although it sometimes takes a year or longer. One of
the best gifts you can give your mother is patience and understanding, long
past the time when the outside world has stopped sending cards or asking her
how she's doing.
Key Tip 2
Sometimes grief is delayed. Your father may have suffered a long illness,
requiring your mother's constant care and attention. Initially, she may remain
caught up in taking care of the details after his death, or may deny that
she's grieving (because the death was expected). She may seem fine for weeks
or even months. But you should be prepared for her grief to surface at some
point.
Key Tip 3
Grief is stressful,
and stress impairs the immune system. Grieving people may have more colds,
suffer lingering illnesses or have flare-ups of existing conditions. You might
suggest that your mother make an appointment with her physician so he can
keep a check on her health. Make sure the doctor knows about her bereavement.
Specifics
Grief can be a jumble
of contradictory emotions: anger, longing, relief, guilt, regret, depression,
panic and even hysteria.
Some days, your father may seem almost like
his old self. But then he may hear a song, find a note written by his wife
or pass a favorite restaurant and fall back in the throes of grief. These
aren't setbacks - they're just typical ways that the grieving process resurfaces.
Understanding Your Parent's
Grief
A grieving person can't function at 100 percent, so the
initial months after your mother's death aren't a time for your father to
start new projects or make major decisions. His normal functions will return,
even though you may find him doing abnormal things. Such behavior isn't surprising:
He's grieving. Signs of grief include:
Forgetfulness. Your usually organized father may miss appointments,
lock his keys in the car or mail unsigned checks with his bills. You can help
him by being patient, reminding him that these are symptoms of grief and suggesting
that he write down reminders to himself.
Disorganization. Your father may find that it takes a lot longer
to finish everyday tasks. He may not manage his time well - leaving one project
unfinished and going on to something else. You might help him plan a schedule,
or offer to work with him. Spending time together and focusing on something
other than the grief can bring you closer together, as well as ease his sense
of isolation and loneliness.
Inability to concentrate. During the early stages of bereavement,
the mind wanders. Your newly widowed father may find it impossible to stay
focused. It may be difficult for him to read a book or even to stick with
a TV show. Reading a newspaper may take longer than before, and retaining
information may be difficult. You can help by highlighting important points,
or even reading aloud with him. Bereaved people can be dangerous on the highways
due to their inability to concentrate. They're also susceptible to unexpected
crying spells. Warn your father to be extra careful when driving or handling
potentially dangerous equipment, such as a lawn mower or even a garbage disposal
in a sink.
Lack of interest or motivation. Your father might say: "Why
work so hard? We just die anyway" or "I was doing all this for your mother,
and now she's dead. Why bother?" Let him express his feelings, and offer him
love and support. But if you worry that he might actually hurt himself, or
if you notice him dealing with his sadness by using alcohol or drugs, talk
to his physician immediately.
Helping Out
Physical health
Grief is physically exhausting.
It can actually make someone ill. So if your mother's grief seems to be hurting
her health, make sure her doctor knows about her loss so he can help monitor
her condition if necessary.
You can also help by making sure your mother
eats regular, nourishing meals. If it's too difficult for her to eat three
regular meals each day, suggest that she try four or five small ones. And
see that she has nutritious snacks, too.
Help her get regular exercise.
If you live nearby, visit in the evenings for walks around the neighborhood
after dinner. Or, if you're far away, ask one of her friends or neighbors
to walk with her.
In addition to the exhaustion brought on by grief,
your mother may be having problems sleeping. Help her think about developing
regular bedtime routines, and ask family and friends not to call her after
her designated bedtime. Meditation may also help her get the rest she needs.
If her sleep problems persist, she should see her doctor.
Emotional health
You may find your mother is more likely to
snap at you or others. Minor issues may spark major arguments. Be understanding
and patient; remember that she probably isn't really angry with you, she's
just angry that your father has died. If she's receptive, you might look
for a support group for people who have lost spouses. If she belongs to a
religious or community organization, encourage her to attend services or meetings
as much as she's able and to stay in contact with her fellow members.
The mourning period
The length of the mourning
period will be influenced by your mother's personality, her feelings about
your father, and even the cause of death. If your father died unexpectedly,
your mother probably didn't have a chance to say goodbye and may now have
to look for a symbolic way to do so. You might suggest that she write a letter
to your father or read to him at his burial site.
And no matter how
well your mother has dealt with her grief, emotions often resurface at holidays,
birthdays and anniversaries. It's important to acknowledge and share this
emotion. For example, let your mother know you remember her wedding anniversary
and ask if you can do something special for her, such as taking her out for
dinner. Be understanding if she doesn't want to do anything or wants you to
stay home with her.
Taking Care
of Yourself
A lot of responsibilities are thrust upon adult
children whose parents die. They may be expected to make funeral arrangements,
do all the paperwork or start caring for surviving parents.
However,
it's important that you take time for your own grief. You might want to join
a support group. You should also let your friends and other family members
know what your needs are: Do you need to talk? Blow off steam about your surviving
parent?
As you watch out for your parent, don't forget your own daily
health routines. You should eat well, exercise and get plenty of sleep. And
make sure your doctor knows what's happened so she can help monitor your health
if necessary. Finally, remember that in addition to your grief, you may also
be facing feelings about your own aging and death. The death of a parent brings
us face to face with our own mortality, and reminds us that we're no longer
children. This adjustment can be difficult.
Express your feelings appropriately,
and encourage your parent to do the same. You may both feel better after a
good cry - especially if you've shared your tears. You might also seek professional
guidance. If your emotions are overwhelming, consider seeing a licensed therapist
who specializes in grief.
Frequently
Asked Questions
My mother died two years ago, but my father
refuses to clean out her closet or make any changes in the house. Should I
encourage him to start getting rid of some of her things?
Spending time in your mother's room may have become a comforting ritual for
your dad. He may need your encouragement (and even permission) to begin making
changes. You might try saying something like, "When you're ready, I'd be happy
to help you clean out Mom's closet" or "When you're ready, I'd like to have
some of Mom's jewelry or sweaters." If your suggestion makes him angry, he
might need professional counseling.
Since my dad died
last year, it seems that no one wants to talk about him, especially my mother.
Whenever I bring up his name or talk about his death, family members leave
the room or change the subject. I need to talk about him. What should I do?
Talking about your father's death may not be the place
to start - instead, try talking about memories casually. For example: "Remember
when we went on our family vacation and Dad fell into the swimming pool?"
Or get out a box of family photos and go through them yourself. Your mother
might get curious and join you. You might also suggest to your family that
perhaps you join a support group together - and if they don't want to, consider
joining one on your own.
My father died six months ago
and my mother's already dating. I want my mother to be happy, but I don't
like this guy and I worry he'll take advantage of her. I feel I owe it to
my father to protect her. What can I do?
It's possible
that the man your mother's dating is a fine, loving person. However, because
it's only been six months since your father died, you're right to wonder if
she's using this relationship to ease her loneliness and grief. Try to get
to know him. Remember, your mother can make her own decisions. But it's okay
if you suggest that she go slowly in this new relationship, and consider joining
a support group.
My parents had been married for 45
years before my mother died of a long illness, and now all Dad can talk about
is "joining your mother." I need my father and don't want him to die anytime
soon. What's going on with Dad?
It's common to hear
people talk about the time when they'll be able to join a loved one who's
died. Usually it's a passing comment. But if you feel your father may be thinking
about killing himself, you should act immediately, especially if he's had
periods of depression. Ask him about how serious he is. Encourage him to see
a therapist. Many communities have suicide hotlines or mental health centers
where you can get immediate advice.
After my father
died nine months ago, I helped out constantly, dealt with all the paperwork
and spent nights at my mother's home. Now I have to get on with my own life,
but my mother can't function without me. How can I help her become more independent?
Before your father died, was your mother dependent
on him? If so, she may be trying to replace him with you. Some counseling
might be in order. If she refuses to go, you could go alone. If she's always
been independent, you might start by asking her about this change. Her increased
dependence may simply be a temporary reaction to your father's death; she
may just need more time to get back on her feet.
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