When a parent
becomes ill and is dying, the adult child can be a forgotten mourner. Friends,
colleagues, and even other family members assume the adult child has broken
close ties with his/her parents, married, moved away and therefore, is not
so affected by the illness or death of a parent. Not true. The illness and
perhaps the death of a parent, at any age, is extremely painful.
In
earlier years, parents came to live with their children when they became too
ill to safely live alone. This was an accepted fact. Now times are different.
Life styles are different. In many families, everyone works. Today, the
"stay-at-home" mom who would have been the natural person to care for the
ailing parent is less common. With much trepidation and guilt, ill and aging
parents are often placed in a facility such as a nursing home. Nursing homes
vary widely as to the services offered as well as the quality of care, and
finding a suitable one isn't always easy. Coming from the rural mid-west,
my siblings and I lucked out. The staff knew our parents personally. Whether
ailing parents are brought into the child's home or placed in a nursing home,
there are huge requirements and expectations of the adult child. Not only
emotionally, but physically and financially as well. When parents reach this
juncture in life there are many issues the adult child must deal with as he/she
begins the journey through grief.
Grief is what you experience whenever
you suffer a loss. "Loss" is the key word here. Loss of function. Loss of
control. Loss of independence. Grief is not only experienced when a loved
one has died, but can begin earlier than that, before death. There is a term
for this grief. It's called "anticipatory" grief. Your parent is often sharing
this grief with you. When he/she becomes ill or as a disease progresses,
that parent may lose more and more of his/her functioning and independence.
There are role changes as well. You become the parent, now making decisions
that he/she used to. You may no longer feel comfortable confiding in your
parent as you use to do. Now, you may not want to cause concern for or worry
him/her. For example, my father was 80 years old and ailing when my son suffered
a very serious car accident. My first impulse was to call daddy. But sadly,
I realized it was not fair of me to put this on a man who could do nothing
to help. Not like the good old days when he would offer comfort and advice.
For you, it could be that mom can no longer cook the Thanksgiving dinner or
dad can no longer manage his affairs. Instead of your mom changing your diapers,
you must now change hers.
These are tiny deaths all building up to the
big one, the final death of the body. With each of these losses there is a
grieving time. When your parent dies the final death, you may sense a period
of relief and feel more ready to move on with your life. You may be ready
to pick up on the other aspects of dealing with the death of your parent,
such as: the loneliness, the feelings of being an orphan, and the fact that
you are now the "older generation".
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